Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was to find that one true love and marry him. I guess you could say I was trained to believe that marriage was inevitable. In fact, my parents did not give me or my sister a middle name because, they reasoned, our last name could serve as our middle name once we got married and took our husbands' name. So I was going to get married. The only question was when and to whom. Not surprisingly, the answer came sooner than later for me, and I took that stroll down the aisle just 17 days after I turned 20. And now, more than a year and 11 months after that blissful day, my husband is alone in the two-bedroom house we rented when we moved out here to attend school, and my plant and I are finally getting adjusted to life in a residence hall again. Since I arrived at TCU in Spring 1998, I have realized that never before in my life have I been in the presence of such a large assemblage of marriage-minded people. Conversations about diamond rings, wedding dates and reception sites are commonplace. I even saw a student thumbing through an issue of Brides magazine in one of my classes. In a lot of ways, I understand these students' positions. I was certainly there once myself. Marrying young does have its appeal. But as a heartbroken victim struggling to decide what to do about my failing marriage, I feel compelled to share the other side. First, the statistics. Most of us already know that the current divorce rate in the United States is 50 percent. That number is practically a household figure by now. However, Preston Dyer, a sociology professor at Baylor University who is well known for his work in this field, said people who marry between the ages of 20 and 24 have an 80 percent divorce rate. That figure may seem startling to most people, but after experiencing the factors that contribute to this divorce rate among the young, I'm surprised it's not higher. The first reason marrying young is a mistake is, put simply, there is just not enough time to "shop around." According to the July 1995 issue of the Journal of Family Issues, people who marry before they are 26 or 27 have spent insufficient time in the marital search process and marry spouses who are, basically, bad matches. As they begin to spend more time together, these dissident traits are exposed, and people begin to realize that their differences - which are not bad, in and of themselves - are actually incompatibilities. More importantly, however, people who marry young lack the necessary knowledge and skills required for marriage and the emotional and psychological maturity that is critical for surviving difficult periods in marriage. Simply put, these people are not yet fully formed adults, and they have not yet developed their core beliefs and values and individual senses of who they are, even if they think they have. At 19, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted for the next 60 years. But as I grew and matured and began to develop career and personal goals, I realized I didn't have a clue. And now I am left to deal with the reality that, at this point in my life, marriage is not a part of the life I want for myself. My parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers, friends, neighbors and ministers tried to tell me to wait, but I wouldn't listen. I can't go back in time to remedy my mistake, but I can offer advice to those who may be in a similar situation. As a classmate who was married and, most likely, divorced by the time she was 22, I implore you to not cheat yourself of your chance to learn who you are and what the world holds for you. There are dozens of paths to try, and marriage is only one - one that, I assure you, can definitely wait. Will I ever get married again? I don't know. But I do know that I will be absolutely certain of who I am and exactly what I want out of life before choosing to do so. I've already told my parents that, if and when I marry again, I am keeping my maiden name. So as a reminder of where I've been and what I've learned, I will remain middle-nameless for the rest of my life.
Campus Editor Kristen Naquin is a senior news-editorial journalism major from Pensacola, Fla. She can be reached at (knaquin1@aol.com).
By Stephen Suffron staff reporter Students go to college to find themselves. Many try to find themselves in campus organizations. Others define themselves with their studies. Few find themselves married. But about one in 13 TCU students is finding success in his or her academic pursuits while maintaining a marriage and home. Although these students said they realize many other students wait until they finish their education to get married, they are happy with their decisions. "A lot of people ask me, 'Why not wait?' I say, 'Why wait?'" said Bryan Goudelock, 21, a senior psychology major. He and Brooke Goudelock, a 21-year-old senior advertising/public relations major, have been married five months. "I knew this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I was ready for the rest of my life to start," he said. Jean Giles-Sims, a professor of sociology and criminal justice, said the average age of marriage in the United States has been steadily increasing in recent years, currently standing at age 27 for men and 24 for women. "I think people are taking more time with their education because they have more options than in the past," said Giles-Sims, who is also the director of the Women Studies department. But Brooke Goudelock said it is easier for two people to build their lives together than to join two fully established lives later in life. "It's a lot harder to bring two lives like that together and have them merge," she said. While most students have a hard enough time trying to figure out what they are going to do with their lives, married students said they must consider both themselves and their spouse. "I think that most people in college are single and living their lives for themselves," said Sarah Mullen, a 21-year-old senior advertising/public relations major who has been married nine months. "But I'm married, so there's two people to consider." Andy Soule, a 21-year-old senior finance major, said his marriage is the reason he will be graduating early. "It's really motivated me to get done with school because I know the sooner I get done with school and get a job, the sooner I can start paying off (my wife's) school," he said. Bryan Goudelock said he and his wife's support for each other has made them more successful in their studies. "I have a partner in what I'm doing," he said. "If I'm studying, she can help me out. I used to have to do everything by myself. But now she can take some of the load, and I can do the same." Although married students said the support they receive from their spouses is a definite advantage, many also said they are often isolated from their single peers. "I'm more serious about school than I think I would have been had I been single," Mullen said. "But only because I have no social life in college because I'm married and no one else is." If children are added to the equation, time for socializing with other students is moved further down the priority list. Senior nursing major Nicole Huckaby, 22, is married with two children. Her schedule begins at 6 a.m. when she wakes up with her husband to get dressed. After they are ready, she wakes up and dresses her 3- and 1-year-old daughters. The family currently has only one car, so Huckaby acts as a chauffeur, taking her husband to work and her children to daycare before driving to work or school herself. After work or school, she picks up her kids and husband and goes home. But it is not time for rest yet. She must first cook dinner, give the girls a bath and put them to bed with a story. Finally, about 10 p.m., Huckaby has some time to study. "When I study, I can't daydream," she said. "I have to use the time I have." Married students said although they have increased focus academically, their top priorities lie elsewhere. "I can't be as selfish as regular students," Mullen said. "I want to have a good job, but I'm not completely focused on my career and moving up the corporate ladder. To me, to maintain a happy marriage is the utmost importance." With America's high divorce rate looming over them, these students said they understand the scope of their commitment and are optimistic that they made the right decision. By finishing their education, Giles-Sims said they remove one of the most significant risk factors for divorce among young married couples. Goudelock has a different idea as to why his marriage will succeed. "Our marriage isn't based on lust or on feelings," he said. "It's based on God, who doesn't change. If we get mad at each other or something, we always have God to fall back on." So while these students continue to try to find themselves and their future in college, they have found the people with whom they want to spend that future. And having a partner for that journey, they all agree, is the part of marriage for which they are most thankful. "Being together (is the best part)," Soule said. "I have someone to share my life with."
Stephen Suffron |
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