Do us all a favor:
Wipe out Valentine’s Day

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: There’s nothing quite as pointless as Valentine’s Day, except maybe toilet paper with designs.

That’s right. This holiday, brought to you by Hallmark and the people who gave us decorated paper to wipe our asses with, is nothing more than a commercialized day of making out.

People who have make-out partners revel the fact that they’re “gettin’ some,” while the rest of the single population say things like, “Valentine’s Day is stupid,” and “Let’s have girls’ night and rent movies.”

Then there are the yuppies who do things like wear red sweaters on V-Day and send all their friends tiny Mr. Potato Head cards through interoffice mail. These are the same people who buy those stupid “Merry Christmas, Ya’ll” shirts from the TCU Bookstore.

(For the record, “y’all” is the correct spelling, which is why I never gave into this non-trend. And, oh yeah, I’ll never buy a shirt that says “y’all” on it.)

Single people across America roll their eyes when the red and white decorations of Valentine’s Day replace the red and green of Christmas. Because stores are in such a tizzy to sell, sell, sell that they decorate early, early, early, the Christmas decorations are replaced somewhere around mid-October with cutesie little red hearts and signs that say, “Don’t forget her on her special day.”

Guys, apparently, are out of luck on this day. Sorry guys, you get things like better salaries for equal work. Valentine’s Day is ours.
It’s our day to eat chalk-flavored candy hearts that romance us with lines like “2001 Hugs,” “Yes” and “Fax me.”

It’s our day to eat a pound of chocolate-covered-almond-flavored-vanilla-filled-orange-squishy mess that someone bought at Walgreens on the way to pick us up for a romantic dinner at Tony Roma’s rib shack. It’s our day to pin flowers to our walls so they can dry, even though we don’t know exactly why anyone wants dead flowers.

Girls, do we have it lucky or what?

The sicko inside of me is waiting for the day when I can buy a bag full of broken candy hearts that say “He dumped me for a fat girl he met on the Internet,” “I slept with your brother” and “I met my boyfriend’s boyfriend today.”

These would be a great way for Hallmark to market Valentine’s Day to bitter journalism majors and to the rest of us who aren’t “gettin’ any.”

Perhaps some day Valentine’s Day will really be for everyone. This will be the day we’ve all waited for: The day the red-sweatered yuppies and the “Steel Magnolia” watchers of the world will sit down together and say, “Why, exactly, does anyone need a drawing of a flower on their toilet paper? Let’s all draw cutesie little red hearts!”

But then, maybe not.

Managing editor Laura Head is a senior news-editorial journalism major from Shreveport, La.
She can be reached at (l.a.head@student.tcu.edu).
This column was brought to you by the creators of Mother’s Day,
where we adamantly oppose support of any other commercialized holiday.