Whine not, stop complaining

Returning from London this semester, I have tried to put my ear to the well-watered ground around campus and listen for new signs of discontent. Being gone so long changes people but not things. I believe I can offer a few solutions to the problems that still plague the campus, the same problems I shouted about last year when I didn’t know any better.

Perhaps I can preach my ideas one last time before I give it up all together.

First, I have heard again a rumbling discontent concerning the levels of apathy on campus. And even though I don’t care, I offer the solution of creating a new administrative position in Sadler Hall. Something like the Provost of Apathy or the Chancellor of Nothing. This person’s job would be specifically to yell at people in the Reed-Sadler Mall area as if it were an episode of “Jenny Jones.” You know the kind, where the delinquent children are sent to fake boot camps and yelled at long enough to film a two-minute clip and then sent back to their dysfunctional homes.

Perhaps we are no better than these sniffling 9-year-olds. Perhaps we do need to be told to get off our butts. On second consideration, I thought I left home so I wouldn’t have to be told how lazy I am and that watching the “Crocodile Hunter” and taping every episode of “Undressed” is not the best way to spend time. It’s college. I should be able to waste as much time as I want.

Second, while away I found myself reading the Skiff online (for God knows why) and seeing that people were still concerned about issues of diversity. So in the spirit of inclusion, I suggest it be required for entering freshman to watch the cinematic masterpiece “Soul Man.” If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a white boy who takes tanning pills in order to get a scholarship to Harvard Law as a black man. It stars C. Thomas Howell and would be a great learning tool for everyone. Or of course we could try to get a hold of our own tanning pills, all turn the same color and march down to admissions and demand that they decide who is going to apply to TCU. Or maybe we could just try talking to each other. Now that’s a modest proposal.

Third, I believe that everyone should follow my example in order to solve the problem of parking. Don’t own a car. This one would definitely work. Of course someone might have to walk across the street from Reed Hall to the Moudy Building, but it’s a small price to pay. Besides, there are plenty of things to do around TCU without having to own a car. Let’s see, there is a library and some buildings where I hear people take these things called classes. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, we even have this place called the Rickel Building where people can lift these things called weights. I hear they’re supposed to make you more attractive. Anyway, there are other things too, like the cultural Mecca of Berry Street, bustling with cafes, pawn shops and empty office buildings great for throwing rocks at, and all of this is within walking distance of campus.

Fourth, I have heard complaints again about the food in The Main. What about the seemingly endless supply of onion rings for sale at all hours of the day. Doesn’t that count for something? I’ll tell you youngsters that when I was a freshman we didn’t have copious amounts of onion rings and when we did, everyone would line up at noon, so that no one could move or get other food and just wait for the fried delicacies to be made. So remember you’re lucky. Punks!
Of course, if rings or endless amounts of chicken or pasta dishes aren’t your thing, I suggest we order up some of those gum meals. You know the kind that Willy Wonka invented. The seven course meal in one stick of gum. Genius! And low calorie for you skinny types.

Fifth, and I promise this is the last one. If anyone is feeling alienated about not being Greek, never fear. I have decided to start my own Greek organization and everyone can belong to it. We will listen to Yanni records all night, eat falafels and try to grow massive amounts of chest hair (optional for women). And if you still don’t want to be Greek, you could always start Roman organizations. Stealing gods and taking over “unconquered land” in Worth Hills. Roman pigs!
That’s it for me. I’m tired of thinking about all these issues. I have class and work and the new season of “Undressed” is starting soon. I suggest for posterity we all think about different things for a while, sit back and remember that the ‘C’ in TCU stands for “Can’t go a day without complaining,” and that is why we’re all here.

Matthew Colglazier is a sophomore English major from Fort Worth.
He can be reached at (m.s.colglazier@student.tcu.edu).

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