No ‘real men’ can be seen in today’s public arena
COMMENTARY
Christopher Suffron

For those who weren’t paying attention, the World Series was last week. Last year, George W. Bush became the first president in history to throw out the first pitch in a World Series game. This fact surprised me due to how long baseball has been playing the Fall Classic. I mean if he had been the first in the past 10 years I would have understood. After all, we have not had a real man in the White House for a while.

A real man, what exactly is this? We hear definitions of what a real man is on the Man Show and Miller High Life commercials, but somehow a beer-guzzling bum does not strike me as the image of a real man.

A real man can sit and watch a baseball game, any baseball game, at any time simply because it is baseball. This includes game seven of the World Series or game 58 of the regular season between the Padres and the Brewers. Likewise, he will watch a game between the Browns and the Red Skins simply because it is football.

But a real man is not a bum. He will take on responsibility willingly and will do it well without being forced to do it. This applies to both things at work and things in the home.
A real man will admit when he is wrong and suffer the consequences.

A real man is never wrong.

A real man is the king of his castle but will never act like it. He has absolute authority in his home but will not exercise it because a real man always takes into account the wants and desires of his family, especially his wife, when making decisions. He will put his wife above everything in his life; second only to his God. Then his children will be an absolute third.

A real man is known by his last name (ex. Lincoln, Washington, Bagwell, Tulbert, Marino, etc.).

When a real man sees a woman, he will see a person, not an object. He does not immediately judge her by how pretty she is, as if an unattractive woman is somehow less valuable than an attractive one.

A real man eats meat. The more the better. He knows that it is not a meal unless an animal dies.

A real man knows that his job is just something he does to pay the bills. He knows that his true value is found in whatever is his lord. The more valuable his lord, the more valuable he is.

A real man is named George.

A real man knows that he can’t do everything on his own and will ask for help. He will be able to open up to people and let them know who he is and what makes him struggle.

A real man knows that the three most un-American things in the world are Communism, soccer and the metric system.

A real man will stand strong for what is right, but he will do so with gentleness and humility.

A real man does not have a favorite love song. He refuses to watch “Save the Last Dance.” He does not use napkins, but licks his fingers instead. A real man knows that his gut is a sign of power. A real man does not eat pitas. A real man does not put the toilet seat down, he scratches when and where he itches and spits when he wants to.

And finally, a real man wants tools for Christmas.

Christopher Suffron is a senior accounting major from League City.