TCU Daily Skiff Thursday, April 8, 2004
Frog Fountain
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Tests cause chaos, death

Sean Scogin
is a senior advertising/public relations major from Corpus Christi.

My heart aches for the losses we suffer daily. Through my years in school, I have heard it too many times. “My second cousin’s uncle has died,” says one. “My car broke down by a biker bar, and they wouldn’t let me use the telephone until after they beat me,” says another. My own grandmothers have died more than 16 times each.

Professors, who insist on giving tests to make sure we “attend class” and are “understanding the material,” are responsible for many of these untimely events in students’ lives. These horrible misfortunes always occur on test days, resulting in a student’s absence or poor performance. And can you blame them? How could you sit through or concentrate on a test, a measly test, w ith death and heartache bearing down upon you?

And what nerve they have, to look down on you, probably thinking you got too drunk to drive home, and instead passed out on the curb, only to wake up and find that you soiled yourself, when in actuality your (noun) (action verb, past tense), and you couldn’t (study as much as you needed to/show up to take the test) [Pick One].

The data correlates with my assertion. In 2003, 1.4 million grandmothers and grandfathers died on the TCU campus (according to the Purple Poll, which is a scientifically accurate and well-respected research tool). That is an outrageous number of people to be dying yearly because of selfish professors and their “tests of doom.” According to Milford Swagger, the opinion co-editor of The Sniff, an even greater number of flat tires and engine problems plagued many students, and as a result, were unable to attend their tests. Dogs, cats and other beloved household pets died as a consequence of testing, causing students to score well below what they should have.

Professors need to stop this barbaric practice. You would think, after several years of seeing these misfortunes, professors would wise up and realize they are causing these disasters.

I propose doing away with tests altogether, and replacing this harmful and inhumane system with something far less damaging. I propose professors start judging us not on the material in the lecture notes or in the books, but on the material of our feelings. If we feel good, we get an A+. And if we feel bad because our grandmother died (for real), F…+ (shame on them for asking us in the first place).

With this system in place, I feel confidant that students would feel more comfortable in their classes. Students would not have to worry about distracting themselves with studying. There would be no stress of midterms or long hours studying for dreaded finals. The student body could focus on what is really important in college: getting wasted and playing X-Box.
TCU Daily Skiff ©2004
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