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Thursday, January 15, 2004
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Trekkies utilized in new campaign

President Bush was concerned that his base of friends and billionaire supporters wouldn't be big enough to ensure victory in the upcoming election, so he assigned Karl Rove, the White House political director, to uncover ways to expand his popularity.

After extensive research, Rove discovered there are an estimated 2.5 million "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" fanatics living in their parents' basements who are not yet registered to vote. More importantly, there are enough of them in five key states to ensure an election victory.

The challenge then was to find a way to get these sloth-like creatures off their couches and into a voting booth to support a pure Republican ticket. If achieved, it would be the finest moment in American political history.

In an act of sheer brilliance, Rove recommended the president increase space travel and air as much of the footage as possible on television. Thus, the proposal to put man on Mars and back on the moon was born.

When questioned, Rove denied that appointing George Taki as a U.S. ambassador to the United Nations was part of this effort. However, as any good Trekkie would know, Taki played Ensign Sulu on the original "Star Trek." This move could sway the hearts of the masses.

Informed sources say the president originally was considering appointing Luke Skywalker to the U.N. position. However, Secretary of State Colin Powell informed him that not only was Skywalker a fictional character, but he also lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and thus, was not technically a U.S. citizen.

The president is said to have expressed surprise by doing a great imitation of the Scooby Doo face.

Much criticism has been placed on the Mars mission by both Republicans and Democrats who argue, with good cause, that there just isn't enough money to fulfill the president's dream. The expected cost of manning both the moon and Mars missions currently is just under $1 trillion. In fact, political experts agree that Congress quickly will shoot down any proposal.

To rally support for his campaign, Bush is planning a nationwide tour with William Shatner and They Might Be Giants. Shatner is expected to hold question-and-answer sessions about his years on "Star Trek," as well as performing some new beat poetry.

The convention/fundraiser tickets are expected to cost between $1,000 and $1,500.

It has yet to be seen if these new schemes will prove victorious in November, but Republicans have reason to be optimistic; the first five tour dates have sold out, and Trekkies worldwide are chanting Bush's name.
Maureen Murfin is a columnist for the Northern Star at Northern Illinois University.

This column was distributed by U-Wire.