utilized in new campaign
was concerned that his base of friends and billionaire supporters
wouldn't be big enough to ensure victory in the upcoming election,
so he assigned Karl Rove, the White House political director, to uncover
ways to expand his popularity.
After extensive research, Rove discovered there are an estimated 2.5
million "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" fanatics living
in their parents' basements who are not yet registered to vote. More
importantly, there are enough of them in five key states to ensure
an election victory.
The challenge then was to find a way to get these sloth-like creatures
off their couches and into a voting booth to support a pure Republican
ticket. If achieved, it would be the finest moment in American political
In an act of sheer brilliance, Rove recommended the president increase
space travel and air as much of the footage as possible on television.
Thus, the proposal to put man on Mars and back on the moon was born.
When questioned, Rove denied that appointing George Taki as a U.S.
ambassador to the United Nations was part of this effort. However,
as any good Trekkie would know, Taki played Ensign Sulu on the original
"Star Trek." This move could sway the hearts of the masses.
Informed sources say the president originally was considering appointing
Luke Skywalker to the U.N. position. However, Secretary of State Colin
Powell informed him that not only was Skywalker a fictional character,
but he also lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and thus,
was not technically a U.S. citizen.
The president is said to have expressed surprise by doing a great
imitation of the Scooby Doo face.
Much criticism has been placed on the Mars mission by both Republicans
and Democrats who argue, with good cause, that there just isn't enough
money to fulfill the president's dream. The expected cost of manning
both the moon and Mars missions currently is just under $1 trillion.
In fact, political experts agree that Congress quickly will shoot
down any proposal.
To rally support for his campaign, Bush is planning a nationwide tour
with William Shatner and They Might Be Giants. Shatner is expected
to hold question-and-answer sessions about his years on "Star
Trek," as well as performing some new beat poetry.
The convention/fundraiser tickets are expected to cost between $1,000
It has yet to be seen if these new schemes will prove victorious in
November, but Republicans have reason to be optimistic; the first
five tour dates have sold out, and Trekkies worldwide are chanting
Maureen Murfin is a columnist for the Northern Star at Northern Illinois
This column was distributed by U-Wire.